this is a pretty good picture as it is. just the model's lips is a nice touch. the revealed bra is a neat trick, making a good image out of what would normally count as a gross error. don't apologize.
because the pose is active, you might add drama by back lighting with tungsten lights, setting the shutter to a longer exposure (1 second, say), and encouraging the model to move slightly during the exposure. if you meter carefully, so that the background comes up to roughly the same exposure as the flashed foreground, you'll get the yellow background blurrily encroaching on the model. it's a cool effect, one used often to enhance action in night or club shots.
I'm no expert but I think the pose could be improved as well I think the main cause of it looking a bit harsh and unnatural would be the lighting. Softening up your lights will help a great deal. Great concept though Alex.
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